Fear of Germs

To continue where we left off yesterday.

Where did this sudden fear of germs come from in this country? Have you noticed this? The media are constantly doing stories about the latest infections? Salmonell, E. coli, hantavirus, West Nile fever? And Americans apnic easily, so now everybody's running around, scrubbing this, spraying that, overcooking their food, and repeatedly washing their hands; trying to avoid all contact with germs.

It's ridiculous and it goes to ridiculous lengths. In prisons--and this is true--prisons, before they give you a lethal injection they swab your arm with alcohol. It's true! Well, they don't want you to get a last second infection. And you can see their point: wouldn't want some guy to go to hell and be sick! It would take a lot of the sport out of the whole execution.

Fear of germs. Buncha fuckin' pussies. You even get a decent hamburger anymore; they cook the shit out of everything, because everyone's afraid of food poisoning. Hey, wher's you sense of adventure? Take a fuckin' chance.! You know how many people die from food poisoning in this country every year? Nine thousand! That's all! It's a minor risk! Take a fuckin' chance. Buncha gotdamn pussies!

Besides, what do you think you have an immune system for? It's for killing germs. But it need practice. It needs germs to practice on. So if you kill all the germs around you and live a completely sterile life, then when germs do come along, you're not gonna be prepared.

And nevermind ordinary germs, what are you gonna do when some super virus comes along that turns your vital organs into liquid shit? I'll tell you what your gonna do. You're gonne get sick, you're gonna die, and you're gonna deserve because your fuckin' weak, and you've got a fuckin' weak immune system.

Let me tell you a true story about immunization. In New York City, back in the 1940s, they swam in the Husdon River. And it was filled with raw sewage. Okay? They swam in raw sewage. You know. to cool off!

At that time the big fear was polio; thousands of kids died from polio every year. But you know somethin'? In those neighborhood no one ever got polio. No one. Ever! You know why? Because they swam in raw sewage! It strengthened their immune systems. The polio never had a prayer; they were tempered in raw shit!

So, personally, I never take any special precautions against germs. I don't shy away from people who sneeze and cough, I don't wipe off the telephone, I don't cover the toilet seat, and if I drop food on the floor, I pick it up and eat it. Even if i'm at a sidewalk cafe. In Calcutta. The poor section. In New Year's morning during a soccer riot.

And you know something? In spite of all that so-called risky behavior, I never get infections. I just don't get 'em, folks. I don't get colds, I don't get flu, and I don't get food poisoning. And you know why? Because I have a good strong immune system, and it gets a lot of practice.

My immune system is equipped with the biological equivalent of fully automatic, military assault rifles with night vision and laser scopes. And we have recently acquired phosphorous grenades, cluster bombs, and snti-personl fragmentation mines.

So, when my white blood cells are on patrol, reconnoitering my blood stream, seeking out strangers our other undesireables, if they see any--any--suspicous looking germs of any kind, they don't fuck around. They whip out the weapons, was the motherfucker, and deposit the unlucky fellow directly into my colon! Directly into my colon! There's no miranda warning, none of this three-strikes-and-your-out shit. First offense, BAM! Into the colon you go.

And i'll tell you something else, my well-scrubbed friends. You don't always need a shower everyday. Did you know that? It's overkill! Unless you work out, or work outdoors, or for some reason come in intimate contact with huge amounts of filth and garbage every day, you don't always need a shower.

All you really need to do is wash the four key areas: armpits, asshole, crotch, and teeth! Got that? The hookers bath. Armpits, asshole, crotch, and teeth. In fact, You can save yourself a whole lot of time and just the same brush on all four areas!

Tomorrow or maybe later today, we'll talk about driving.